Do I really have goals?

Things continue to go well on the metabolic reset. I am in week three. I am a little bored but I can push through that. One more week of these particular workouts and we will see how they get changed.

Other than that, the other trainer I am working with during the circuit class has been talking a lot about goals and such. Well, his idea of what one's goals should be definitely does not fit with mine. That is, he had everyone indicate what they wanted their BMI to change by during the three month class. If you know me, setting a goal like this has failure written all over it. I haven't set that goal. I honestly do not care if it is measured for whatever statistics they need for the class but I am not going to have an individual goal.

Last night he talked a lot about visual goals and his idea of what a visual goal is again differs from mine. I have visual goals but they have nothing to do with what my body will look like. My visual goals involve seeing myself crossing the finish line of another half marathon or seeing myself finally deadlifting over 200 pounds (my PR on the deadlift is currently 176 -- two 88 pound kettlebells, which was the highest I could do so I am not sure how much I could have deadlifted). My visual goals are all about doing something that I would have thought impossible just a few years ago.

I do have goals. They just do not conform to the typical goals others may have. I have been at this for far too long and I know what hurts my mindset and what types of goals really do motivate me. A pounds lost or a BMI change just do not but wanting to get up to the top of the Manitou Incline in less than an hour, well, that motivates me. Lifting heavy weights and being strong is definitely a motivation. Punching the heavy bag harder and more consistently motivates me to keep going. Running stronger and longer and maybe even faster...yep, motivation.

Now reaching these goals will be possible with continued weight loss. AND BMI shifts should be a by-product of meeting these goals. Does it really matter that my goals are in a different form than expected or than can be articulated in a words that others understand? Nope, because the goals are MINE and MINE ALONE. I have my bucket list. I think in the coming weeks I may do another vision board to see how they changed since the last time I did one.

(Side note -- last time I did a vision board, I finally realized that I really wanted to run. At that time, it was a 5K that I was focused on and, well, running became a reality. It was interesting that before I did it, I never thought of it as being something that was on my "bucket list." I do think vision boards are a little silly but I guess they can be helpful too.)

I broke the dress code at work today....

Yesterday's events in Boston were disturbing to all of us. I lived in Boston for four years. These four years I was not healthy. I was not a runner. I was not active. I did, however, watch the marathon each and every year. I watched with friends. We would cheer for so many people. My favorite parts were cheering for those that simply couldn't believe they were there and were running with so much heart. Even then seeing people collapse in heaps of sweat and tears was inspiring.

For me, it was one of the best days of the year. It was a fun day. I am stunned that after yesterday it is not ever going to be the same. I am stunned that people will not be able to enjoy the day as we did those years that we were in Boston. I am shocked that so many innocent people were hurt at an event that is so inspiring to so many. I cry because of those lives that were lost. I am angered because someone decided to make a some sort of point in such a senseless manner. I just don't understand.

Even though I was not a runner in Boston, I know have struggled through many events myself. I just cannot fathom what the runners were dealing with on that day. The utter sense of fear that had to strike so many. The confusion of the moments after the blasts had to be horrible. To go from being focused on the finish line as the one and in only goal to worrying about the lives of friends/family waiting for them at the finish or for the city that they love...well, I just hope no more of us ever have to go through that.

There is not much I can do for a city that I feel a connection to...Boston. Even though I voluntarily moved from the city, I do still have fond memories and feelings for so much the city has to offer. Like many, I wonder what I could do from so far away. The truth is there wasn't much I could do but I could make a symbolic gesture and follow what is going around social media about wearing running shirts to show support for the city and the runners. So, I broke the dress code today at work and wore a shirt from one of my events last year.

A small gesture I know but I am a runner...and I support all that showed such a testament to the human spirit in the wake of such evilness.

Week 1 of metabolic coaching....

I made it through the workouts. I am not saying they were easy but they were not what I would do and definitely at a lower intensity for the most part. I still sweated...but didn't hit a single heavy bag and didn't swing a kettlebell. I did some running intervals the day that I was in zone 3. 

I have three more weeks of these workouts. I can and will do it.

I do need to get my head wrapped around the whole concept that working harder doesn't mean better. I guess if I put into perspective of the changes I have made to my lifestyle regarding food, it makes sense. I have to do what is right for my body. I need to be sure to be healthy first.

The hardest thing is that I have to put off some challenges I was hoping to meet this year. I am not sure if I will be able to compete in a triathlon or a half marathon. I am disappointed about that but I am trying to remember that this could help me be able to complete physical challenges and maybe even get some better results in the future. It is not the end of the world....and it is okay if I am not "amazing" this year. 

I know it may seem like I am a bit of a "train wreck" to use the phrase popular with some bloggers to describe other bloggers that talk continually about their struggles and that switch things up over and over again but I am listening to my trusted advisers and more importantly to my body. I could keep going on with the activities I was doing and continue to see a lack of results. BUT I am not going to as I want to see progress on the health level (which is excellent to date...my doctor is pleased)....on the fitness level (this is a struggle but I will get there)....and on the scale (yep, it is last...if the other two get there, this will as well).

Challenge issued and I accept it

I did my metabolic testing at the gym this past week. The results were confusing at best but I am trying to work through it all. One thing that is clear with this testing and the adrenal testing I did earlier is that I am working out at an intensity level that is probably not sustainable for me. I am told that I need to rebuild my aerobic base. So, that is what I am going to do.

For once I am going to stick to a workout plan that may not be exciting but it is likely best thing for me. I am working out at a much lower intensity. So, far I have done two days of the workouts. Tomorrow morning I will do a third. I am not happy about it all but I really want to be able to do more and reach some fitness goals so I am doing it. I have also put some things on hold, like my boxing classes and running. Since I have to monitor my heart rate, I know that these activities are not ones I can easily do and keep my heart rate in the right range. A couple of months of taking a few steps back and I hope I will be able to start training for some things again.

I also discovered another class at the gym that I like. It is a class with circuit training on two days and a cardio portion on another day. The time I was introduced to it, I really enjoyed the circuit portion. Although I lift weights on my own and have good strength, this is an area that I struggle with how to stay accountable. I miss the strength training of kettlebell classes. I spoke with the trainer that did the testing and who is helping me with a program to rebuild my aerobic base and she is in favor of me doing this class. The only problem with the class is the cardio day as I am confused/frustrated with what I should be doing during the class and still stick to the change in program that I am working through to rebuild my aerobic base. Well, after a cranky night at the gym and talking to Kim (the trainer/metabolic coach), I committed to three months of the class. Kim and the trainer that is leading the class will be helping me work through what I should be doing on the cardio day.

Now to the challenge that was issued by Ben (the class trainer), who said that he was willing to help me keep my program on the cardio days in sync with my aerobic base; BUT once I built my aerobic base back up, he was not going to accept any excuses when I was back to high intensity interval training. He was going to push me harder than anyone else. He may not believe me but I am looking forward to it. As much as I can push myself to work out harder, I look forward to having someone pushing me harder than I push myself. I want to be stronger and fitter and I think this is a great step in that direction. Sometimes I wonder if someone else pushing me would allow me to reach higher levels and I hope I will find out with this class.

The other part of the testing was the measurement of my resting metabolic rate, which is the amount of calories you need to just live. My RMR actually increased from a couple of years ago, even though I have lost 50 pounds since that time. This likely means that my lean muscle mass increased over that time. That makes me happy. Of course, I am not really counting calories but I will be speaking with my nutritionist about the results.

As it turns out, this year may be one of just getting back in the right place after doing some amazing things last year. The testing is helping but I need to follow through and I am committing to that.

Maybe it's not such a big problem....

So, I have been mulling over some thoughts about my workouts. I seem to get obsessed with things and the only way I can get everything I want to do is to do at least two workouts a day. Some days on the weekend, I may even sneak in an extra by doing some kettlebell swings. I am obsessed with lots and recently just discovered spin class....another obsession. So, now I have kettlebells, stair climbing, running, boxing, weight lifting and spin class to fill my workout time with....oh, and I would really like to fit some swimming, yoga and mat Pilates in if I could.

I started to think about how I was becoming a "Jack of all trades but a master of none" regarding my various workouts. Even though I like lots of things, I really am not very good at any of them...but I do sweat and workout hard, which is important to me. I also love the endorphins. The mental release I get from working out is sometimes more important than the physical benefits. An hour punching on the heavy bag at the boxing gym allows me to sweat away any frustration I may have from the day of dealing with various projects. An hour cycling in spin class allows me to clear my mind of the never ending deadlines that fill my work day. A good sweat on the stair mill allows me to feel like I accomplished something even if the rest of the day was wrought with failures.

I love it all. Of course, some of the activities I love more than others but for the most part, I really do like the activities I currently am obsessed with. I have dabbled from time to time in other things -- Zumba for instance. Oh, and body pump classes were great for awhile but now, well, I am not so much into the synchronized weight lifting and prefer doing my own. As much as I liked the sweat, my heart was just not into these activities for very long. I just mention this to show that I am somewhat selective about my workouts but when I do find something I love, I want to do it every day. But realistically, I can't so I try to fit as much in as I can throughout the week, which stresses me out a bit....totally NOT what I want to happen.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I work out too much and I needed to work out smarter. I know I have blogged about it in the past but obviously have not learned enough to figure out how to fix things without stressing about everything too much. After speaking with people about the progress and lack of progress I have had in the past months, I decided to do two testings, one with my nutritionist and one at the gym. Honestly, one of my hopes in all this testing was that I would be told that everyone was wrong and I need to work out more or harder or something like that. You know, find a few more hours a week to work out and to work out harder. To me, that seems like the easiest answer.

The first one was an ASI test, a saliva testing for adrenal stress index. I did this one a few weeks ago and got the results on Friday. I must admit that I was a bit taken back by the results. My cortisol is all out of whack, too high in the morning, too low at noon, and on the high side the rest of the day. Sigh, what to do now?

The second test would be helpful in trying to figure some of this out. It is metabolic testing at the gym and will tell me what heart rate zone is most efficient for fat burn and things like that. Unfortunately, I had to postpone the testing because, for the second time this year, I am sick. I haven't been this sick in some time, which is another sign of cortisol/adrenal issues. Hopefully, when I get this figured out, I will be able to avoid the colds like I have in the past. It is rescheduled for next week. I am also doing a Resting Metabolic Rate test to tell me how many calories I am burning just to get through the day and give me an idea of targets for how much I should be consuming. I did both of these tests a couple of years ago at the spa. It will be interesting to see how things changed. Unfortunately, I had to postpone the testing because, for the second time this year, I am sick. I haven't been this sick in some time, which is another sign of cortisol/adrenal issues. Hopefully, when I get this figured out, I will be able to avoid the colds like I have in the past. It is rescheduled for next week.

In the meantime, I have to think about what I can do to work out the issues with the cortisol levels. I have some supplements from the nutritionist. I also need to think about what I really want to do for workouts and stop over working out. I have to need to be better about fueling before and after workouts. I have to figure out the whole carb balance thing too. Lauren thinks that these things will help me get things back in balance. I will admit that at first I was a little freaked out. I did think that the test would show that adrenal/cortisol was quite normal and that I could just try to figure out how to do more things. But alas, now I need to think and figure things out. One thing I am going to try to do is track food again, not for calories as much as to watch when I am eating my carbs and making sure that I am fueling for workouts correctly.


Here we go again...it seems like the more I know, the more I need to learn....but I will get there some day. 

Does it really matter what you call it?

Of late, I have seen a lot of posts about how wrong the Paleo lifestyle is and how people are fooling themselves if they really think "caveman" really ate this way or that way. I had one person tell me that I should just eat "real food" and quit the Paleo lifestyle.

Ummmm....well, the truth of the matter is I use Paleo/Primal to describe my lifestyle because it is easier than truly describe what I have discovered makes me feel and perform my best. I eat real food. I avoid processed foods. I do not eat most grains. I avoid added sugar. I do not eat soy products. I read labels. I cook at home for the most part. I buy high quality ingredients. I do not drink my calories. I do not eat low carb as I do consume sweet potatoes, squash, and some rice. I don't obsess about things.

I do not eat this way because "caveman" did. I eat this way because I have learned to listen to my body. I know that I feel better when I avoid certain things. I know that I work out better if I eat certain things. I know that I have lost weight following my new lifestyle and my weight progress has stalled when I have not.

What I don't get is why some people seem to feel they must cause a fuss over labels like Paleo, primal, whatever. To me, the important thing is to find what works for you. I definitely believe that each of us is very different and what works for me may not work for you. The key is to start listening to your body and figure out how it responds to various things. In working with my nutritionist and meeting  many of the others that she works with, it has become clear to me that some people tolerate some foods I cannot tolerate....and I tolerate some things others cannot.

There is no "one size fits all" concept here. AND it does no good to try to discredit what others have found works for them. I want to be as healthy as I can be and I choose to describe my lifestyle as Paleo or primal and it works for me. Maybe some day I will start to describe it as "eating real food, eliminating soy and grains, cooking at home, reading labels, avoiding additives, and avoiding sugar and processed foods" lifestyle.

Consistency == it's key

From a random FaceBook post I read:

"We often would rather be Looking for something than Doing something. Looking keeps us busy, but delivers no results. By doing and doing consistently we have the power to change. So if you think you need to be looking for something else, because "this clean eating & exercising is not enough", then try bucking this natural human tendency by not looking for something else... instead just DO it."



I am guilty of this. I do keep looking for something to explain thing...to tell me why I am not losing weight at a faster pace.I keep thinking that there has to be a reason, something that is holding me back. Am I eating something that is causing problems? Maybe but that is why I am going through the reintroduction process from the elimination diet. So, far yogurt and eggs continue to bother me.

Am I working out the right way? Am I not working out hard enough? Am I working out too hard? How do I know? I found myself talking to trainers about testing that they can do at the gym. As I was talking to them, I was struck by the thought that here I was looking for a solution when I wasn't even sure if there was a problem.

So, the best question that I asked myself this past week, shortly before I saw this FaceBook post, is WHAT AM I STRESSING OUT ABOUT IT? How do I know what I am doing isn't working? I mean, I feel good. I work out hard. I definitely have lost weight over the past 15 months. My nutritionist, who I also asked about different testing, asked me some important questions too -- what I was trying to accomplish with the testing, what my goals were, what problems was I trying to solve?

I am going to stop looking for ways to solve problems until I know there is a problem. One of the things I am going to do is make friends with the scale. I have been doing the 90 day challenge at the gym and love trying different activities at the gym. I have not been looking at the scale though. I turn around when they weigh me in. I avoid looking at my progress. Well, I know it is not healthy to be that upset by a number. I have progressed so far regarding my body image, my view towards food, and pushing myself in the gym. BUT the scale is something that I just haven't dealt with very well. It is time to change that. I am going to weigh in once a week and not let it get to me. I am going to use it as a tool to track my progress.

If I don't see progress, well, then I will consider some more intense testing. I am going to do a couple of tests because I find them interesting but I am not going to do the over the top expensive stuff until I know if I am actually struggling., until I have proof of lack of progress.

In the meantime, I will stay consistent in my lifestyle changes. I will keep true to my food plan. I will do my workouts as I have been doing. I will relax about things.