Toads on the roads...

The mental game is hard. A lot of the time my mind is the thing that holds me back. I can't tell you how often my mind holds me back from lifting a weight when physically I am perfectly capable of lifting it. There have been so many times that seeing no change on the scale, even though I know there have been major changes in my body composition, would change my mental state for days.

One of the biggest mental battles has been my reflection in the mirror. Until recently, the mirror still reflected the person I was. No matter the progress I have made I still felt like I was as big as I ever was. I grew confident in many areas at the gym but I still struggle with feeling like nothing had changed when I looked in the mirror.

Over the past few weeks that has been changing. I FINALLY feel like I am seeing the changes that others have seen. I am FINALLY seeing the changes that have been verified by the number of sizes I have lost.

I look in the mirror and, although I am not where I will be in the future, I know that I am making progress. There are muscles that I can not only feel but am seeing. I see a happy face looking back at me when I catch a glimpse in a mirror.

I'm not saying that I will not struggle with this again but I do feel like I have made a major step in winning at the mental game.There is a new confidence in my life because of this. I feel good about this. I am happy about this. I am ready to face the next phase of my life. I am loving this new found confidence.

Today I finally watched this video that as been going around social media.

I love the whole mirror sequences. I love that these women could see how others in their life saw them. May we all live our lives like we are enough....because we are.

Pink dolphin floating through the air

So, a few weeks ago, my husband and I were driving along and, as we merged onto a major road in the area, we noticed a pink dolphin shaped pool toy floating through air above the stoplight. It was a surreal sight.

Yesterday was a bit surreal for me as well. I met a huge challenge I had for myself this year. I climbed a mountain. A real mountain. A fourteener. In Colorado, we have the most fourteeners in the contiguous U.S. It is a challenge that I NEVER thought I would accomplish. Last year I had tried to climb one but the talus (rock) field scared me and I turned back at 13,600 in elevation. Hiking on a sprained ankle, it was probably the best decisions.

This year I made it a goal to attempt another one. This time I made it to the summit.

The trip report
The mountain I chose was Handies Peak. It was a five hour drive from home but I had a friend near the mountain who had suggested it and said that if it worked out, I would have a place to stay with her and her husband. I then asked a friend if she was interested in climbing with me. I chose this particular friend because I knew that I wouldn't overly stress if I slowed her down. I also knew that the event itself would be challenging enough that I didn't need the extra stress of moving faster than I should and Stephanie would understand that. Plus I like her and we would be spending a lot of time on the trail so that was kind of important too. Stephanie said yes and we set a date that worked with my friend in Lake City.

We prepared for the hike, gathering all the things that we would need to be prepared for a 14er. I am by no stretch of the imagination a mountain person but I know that certain things are necessary when attempting something like this.

We met up Thursday afternoon and drove to Lake City. We met up with Linda and she showed us her lovely little town. We talked with her and Bob for a some time and made a plan to leave their home at 5:00 in the morning to get up to the trailhead. We would drive my car to the two-wheel trailhead and they would take us on to the four-wheel drive trailhead. This meant that we would be doing a loop. The ascent would be approximately 2.75 miles and the descent would be 4 miles. But the descent would also be on the class 2 trail, while the ascent would be on the class 1 trail. That kind of scared me but I trusted Linda and Bob.

Here was the first lesson I learned. I had researched the trail quite a bit on line. The write-ups on various websites indicated that we could get a two-wheel drive vehicle to about a mile from the four-wheel drive trailhead and then walk up the road that mile and do the up and down in the same route. Linda and Bob both indicated that the road really was not appropriate for a two-wheel drive so we adjusted our plans. The lesson is to do your research but be flexible and talk to people who now the trails and roads.

So, we woke up early. It was dark...very dark...as we drove out to the trail. It was also cold. In fact, there was frost and ice on the the puddles as we drove. Part of the drive was an unguarded shelf road with lots and lots of pot holes. I was so glad when the parking area we were leaving my car came into sight. Bob was so gracious to drive us onto the next trailhead. As we drove the remaining road, we could see how right they were about revising our trip plan to ascend on one trail and descend on the other. We finally got to the trailhead and the sky was brightening as the sun was rising.

Stephanie and I got ready and started down the path. My anxiety level was high and as normal, I started out too fast and had to slow down. Both of us were climbing with poles for the first time. I am still not sure what I think about them. We climbed up and out of the American Basin before we could see Handies Peak in the distance. There was one creek crossing, which was not mentioned in any of the trip reports we had read but it was not bad. Everything was frosty and cold. We had missed the height of wildflower season but it was still pretty.

We continued to climb, reading our trip information as we climbed. We were glad to have photos of the trail as we could easily follow where we were going. The sun continued to rise but most of the ascent was done in the shade. The climb wasn't difficult yet and we even took a few steps out of our way to go see Sloan's Lake.

We then got to the talus field. I was a little nervous because this is what had turned my back last year. This talus field was nothing like the one on Bierstadt (the mountain I had attempted last year). We worked our way through it, with a only few places that were a bit precarious and slippery due to the frost.

After the talus field, it was bit more of a climb up to the summit. It wasn't easy but it was totally doable. The views were amazing. The whole idea that I may actually complete a fourteener was a bit overwhelming. 

Just before the steepest part of the ascent, my cell phone actually got service and I received a text from husband. He texted me the following Dr. Seuss quote:

"Onward up many a frightening creek, 

though your arms may get sore 

and your sneakers may leak. 

Oh! The places you'll go!"

I started to tear up and realize just what an amazing accomplishment this was. To think that a few years ago, I was afraid that I might not even wake up when I went to sleep because I was in such pitiful shape. And it was not that long ago that I would not have had the courage to try such a thing but thanks to so many people in my life, I found the confidence to try things and to push myself outside of my comfort zone. Before I knew it, we were at the summit. We had made it. We stopped for a bit to refuel, take pictures, and celebrate with others that also had reached the summit.

 We then started down the other trail. At first, it did not seem that bad but then we hit a very steep area with a significant drop off and lots of loose rock. It was almost enough to send us back to the summit and back the other side but we worked it out. It was about half mile of butt sliding through the field of rock. It took a full hour to get through it. It was a bit terrifying but we were smart about it and hugged the side of the cliff and sat on our butts most of the time. It was cold and muddy. We were so relieved when we were done with this portion of the descent.

After that, the next part of the descent was not bad at all. In fact, it felt flat but when we looked back on it, we could see that it was a bit of a decline. The descent continued and continued. We were slow as there was many areas of slippery rocks. The poles did come in handy then. 

We had to cross a creek several times. If I remember correctly, it was about seven times. The write-up indicated that it would be two to three times. Again, you have to do your research but be flexible.

We finally hit the tree line but the hike never seemed to end. I was exhausted and just wanted to get back to the car but the declines just keep going on and on. In so many ways, the down was so much harder than the up. I know that I was slightly dehydrated and I need to be more careful about the hydrating and fueling the next time.

We finally got to the parking lot, drank some coconut water, ate a little bit and then drove down to the town. The ride down, which I thought would terrify me, wasn't so bad...after all, I had just climbed a fourteener. I had accomplished something that I never thought I would.

Post trip report
Today I have been reflecting on what I did yesterday. It is a bit surreal...kind of like a pink dolphin floating through the air. My body is sore but I actually worked out today. I have been doing a lot of mobilization work. At the gym, I shared my triumph with many who have seen the changes in me over the past couple of year. Even though most did not know me at my worst, they have seen significant changes in my confidence and sense of self-worth. 

I have gone from someone who was a complete and utter mess, a broken soul, a lazy morbidly obese woman who did not care for herself to someone who takes on challenges, who is healthy and getting fit, someone who is happy, who is okay with being pushed outside of her comfort zone, who is learning that sometimes you do not succeed at things but the times you do are AMAZING. 

One big thing I realized over the days is that I have a lot of cheerleaders, a lot of supporters. I often think that I am alone in my struggles and that people don't really notice the accomplishments but know it's not true. My husband is my biggest supporter and I love him for that. I also have so many other supporters in my group of friends, co-workers, gym people. I am learning to appreciate their support and accept their kudos. After all, compared to where I was, where I am today is ASTONISHING.

I am so proud of myself and can't wait to take on more challenges in the future....and do more fourteeners. 

I am defining my limitations and then defying them.

Some additional comments on September 1st -- There was a moment or two or three that I just wanted to sit down and cry...this was only on the way down. The way up was exhilarating. I know next time it won't be so bad. 


We ran into a lot of people as we were going down that were going up the Class 2 trail. They did not appear to be prepared at all. There was even a woman in a lace skirt and tights. Really? I doubt she made it up the talus cliff but maybe she did...if she did, she was lucky. 


Someone commented below that this probably changed my life more than I realize and I think it is true. I NEVER would have imagined that I would have the courage or confidence to do this. Of course, I never thought I had the ability to do the incline and I have done it several times now. I am excited about where my life goes next.

Magpies on the fence....

I just got back from an eight mile walk around the neighborhood. It was a quiet pedestrian paced walk and gave me a lot of time to think. I thought about something that a friend said while we were climbing to the top of the incline. Every time I apologized for being so slow, she would say "Wherever I am, that is where I'm supposed to be."  Yeah, she is kind of zen like that. Me -- not so much but it can't hurt to learn from this and try to apply it to various parts of my life.

This led me to think a lot about the fact that yet again I am losing my trainer at the gym. This will be the fourth trainer that I have been with in the past few years. I started to think about what I have learned from each of them.

The first was Shelby. I liked Shelby and she definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone; however, my comfort zone was pretty small at the time. I don't think she ever realized just how small it was. I used to get so upset after stepping on the scale with her. Nothing we did together seemed to help the scale move. I logged my food, I did cardio every day, I did body pump classes and zumba, and I worked out with Shelby twice a week. I wanted to lift real weights but instead we did a lot of work on the bosu ball and with dumbbells. I kept at it as there is one thing about me - I do not give up easily.

After Shelby left that club, I spoke with the manager at the gym about getting paired up with another trainer. The manager made me feel like a total failure by telling me that after all the months of working with Shelby, I basically had failed by not having more progress on the scale. I didn't realize at the time that progress had been made in so many other areas but this conversation set me in a tail spin about my fitness journey. I never renewed my membership when it was up a few months later.

After that because of a fortuitous purchase of a Groupon, I discovered kettlebells. At my first official class (after the required "how to" class), I met Kristin. What can I say about Kristin? I quickly grew to like her. After a few months, we started training one on one once a week. We did a lot of kettlebell work in addition to the classes I was also doing. Kristin was with me when I started to run and do events. Because of Kristin, I did my first stair climb. She was with me at so many 5Ks and the 10K where I ran every step. We did several other stair climbs together. She was at the start and finish line when I did the Boulder half marathon. I cried when she hugged me at the finish line. I met so many great people with her. Kristin became and still is a very dear friend. I love Kristin even though she abandoned me (ok...she met a guy, got married, moved away and had a baby...all good things). Through Kristin, I learned how courageous I could be, how I could do anything I decided to do....except side planks....I hated those and would get so frustrated about them. 

Eventually, I joined the gym I am at today. I have loved the facilities since day one and a few months after joining, I started a team class. This class introduced me to circuit training and the idea that I could be physically strong. I liked it a lot but did become a bit bored with the same weight machines over and over again. I also got it in my head that I wanted to deadlift, that I wanted to work with free weights. Because of this, I decided to start working with a trainer again. This is when I met Travis.

As you know, I am an introvert. I don't take a liking to people very quickly. Travis, however, I immediately liked. Even in the first day training with him, I told him things that I never thought I would. Travis introduced me to a lot of things on the free weights and other machines around the gym. We also did a lot of kettlebell things, which I loved. I still had my moments of fear though...I remember him telling me to do Russian twists and I refused, basically in tears. I have no idea why, other than I had attempted them before and had failed. I rarely refused to do anything that he asked me to do so I am sure that it surprised him.

I worked with Travis twice a week for a few months. I remember that I had a session the morning after I was called to make my way home if I wanted to see my sister before she passed. I will always be grateful for his kindheartedness during this time. I doubt he will ever know how much it meant to me.

Then a bit over a month and half later, he told me he was leaving. It was, as dramatic as it sounds, devastating to me. I had finally felt like I was making some substantial progress at this gym and now the guy that had helped me realize so much of it was leaving. I really did not think that anyone could help me as much as he had. Before he left, he arranged for me to work with another trainer, Adam.

I hated Adam the first few times I worked out with him. He put me through workouts that just did not feel challenging. I was doing things like planks and glute bridges with him. What I really wanted to do was lift weights...heavy weights. I really thought that he did not think I was capable of much, that he was another in a line of people that thought all I was just a fat person that really didn't belong in the gym.

After quite a few sessions, things finally started to click with him. He started showing me the beauty and power of true weight lifting. I learned so much about the mechanics of the various lifts. Because of him, I was able to meet my goal of a deadlift in excess of 200 pounds. He coaches me through the various movements. He has helped me understand that it is not all about the number on the scale. Working with Adam, I don't feel like an old fat woman but rather someone who is definitely uncovering true strength.

He definitely has pushed me out of my comfort zone (which has grown quite a bit larger). I won't lie. He has made me cry on several occasions (the thought of jumping (broad jump, box jumps, etc) sends chills down my spine). BUT he has made me feel so accomplished as well. His continual encouragement and insights on things like bad days have helped so much. I feel strong and powerful. I am a weight lifter.

Yesterday, he told me he was only going to be with the club for two more weeks. I'm sad about this, but I am not devastated. I know that because of how much I have learned from him, I can lift on my own. If I do work with another trainer, I know what I want to learn from them and will be able to communicate it. I still have a lot to learn but am confident I can continue to make progress.

I do Russian twists on my own now. I can hold a side plank for at least 30 seconds. I have even progressed to jumping on a step raised up on four risers. Maybe in the next two weeks I can actually do a box jump. I am learning a lot about three things I need for success (Rest, eat well and enough,....and oh rest). In so many ways, I am grateful to all the trainers I have worked with throughout the years. Each of them have touched my life in very different ways. 

So, goodbye, Adam. I will miss you. I hope we keep in touch so that some day you will be able to see how far I have come on my fitness journey. Know that I appreciate everything you have taught me and will always be grateful that you believed in me. You have definitely shown me that it is not too late to be what I might have been. Thank you.

Side note -- What does the title "Magpies on the fence" have to do with any of this? Nothing. It was just one of the many things I saw on my walk this morning and I liked it. I'm a little crazy like that. 

 

From critical mass to alpha training...

I haven't posted in some time. Truth be told I was struggling. I had lost my confidence. I struggled at the gym. I was not sure about lifting. I felt old. I thought it was ridiculous that I was trying to be a weight lifter. I had no confidence.

Instead of wallowing in my self pity, I knew I had to do something to regain the confidence I once had. This was a very different reaction for me. It would typically take me days and days to recover as I would just wait to "get over it." This time I was taking steps to resolve the issue.

The first step I took was to take the day off and go to the Manitou Incline. I knew that getting to the top would be a great accomplishment. It is a tough hike but it is so worth it. That day I started later than I wanted to and it was hot. I went slow but I made it to the top. I had to keep reminding myself why I was doing it and reminding myself that I could do it. I wanted to cry when I made it to the top that I was now able to do this type of activity. There was a day that I knew I was at a point that I wasn't sure if I was going to be live much longer if I didn't make changes. Now I was climbing mountains.

The next step I took was to participate in an Alpha challenge at the gym. Well, actually I was already participating in a national Alpha challenge at the gym but this time I was doing a live challenge with others at the gym. It was a tough challenge with 3 events. The first was 1,000 meter row followed by burpees in six minutes. Your score was the number of burpees you did. I will admit it was hard. My hips were tight from the incline the previous day but I did it. I managed to finish the rowing second in my heat of four people but only got in 10 burpees. I placed 10 out of 12 in this event. Not great but I was doing it.

The second event was another six minute timed round of 5 barbell thrusters followed by 10 kettlebell swings. Your score was how many reps you completed in the time limit. I managed to get through six rounds, or 90 reps. I did more than anyone else in my heat...and as a matter of fact, finished first for the female in this event.

The next event was pullups, pushups and box jumps or step ups. Well, there was an alternative to do TRX rows instead of pullups and I took that alternative. You had to do four rounds of the three exercises. Your score was the time it took. There was a penalty for doing the simpler TRX rows but I still finished first in my heat and 6th in the event.

Overall, I finish 6 of 12 for females in the challenge but more importantly I had a LOT of fun and pushed myself. I was out of my comfort zone the whole time but I didn't let it bother me. I just did what I could and pushed through it. It was an amazing boost of confidence.

By the way, I was likely the oldest in the challenge by several years. Realizing this made me even feel more empowered. Also, the national challenge finish this past week as well. I was pleased to find out that I finished 71 out of 248 that finished the challenge in the "Masters division."

It is so crazy to realize just how far I have come. Not only physically but also in my ability to step outside of my comfort zone and push through things that would have seemed impossible a few years ago.

I am in a better place now. I am having fun lifting again. I still am working on form and can't always get things as quickly as I like when I am training with my trainer but that's okay. I keep working on it. I am researching things, reading a lot, watching videos.

Looking for the next time to be able to step outside of my comfort zone...and in the meantime I will be working on my pullup!

Rethinking my list of 50 things....

First, here is my latest item that is achieved, the periwinkle tattoo. I sat for it Saturday. It was not the most pleasant experience but it wasn't horrible either. The worst part was that I did a lot of squats and lunges that morning. Sitting for two hours was not easy.

I am reworking my list. It may not seem right to some of you but I stated it earlier that I would change what I need to change as the year went on. Some items will be moved to a "bucket list" for future consideration.

Reasons for the rework -- I'm not running. I am done with it for now. I need to replace those items on my list. The other reasons involved time/money...mostly time. I am not sure I will be able to get the travel in that I was planning on this year. I am taking some days off to do some other activities around here so I will not have a lot of vacation days to allot to the travel aspects of things. As I have discovered how much I love Olympic lifting and how much I enjoy working with my trainer. I want to continue to do this and not stress about the financial aspects of it. So, I am making the decision to forgo some of the travel.

So, I will be reworking it over the next few days and posting an update soon.

When you and your dog can fit into your clothes, is it time to purge?

I know it's silly but I have a hard time letting go of some things....clothing in particular. Part of it is because I hate shopping to replace the clothing. Part of it is because it is a bit of a safety net. Most of it is because some of the pieces represent a comfort zone that is hard for me to leave. This is particularly true of my jean jacket. I remember being so relieved when this jacket finally fit me.

When I first started wearing it, the sleeves were tight and it barely buttoned....but that was okay. It was a jean jacket, something that I made me feel good when I wore it. Since I hate shopping and fashion so much and of course because of my size, I didn't really have anything that made me feel good.

Over the past few years, I continued to wear the jacket, even though it was looser and looser every time I wore it. Lately I have started to purge items from my closet. I have realized that part of the issues with my feelings of lack of progress is that I am still wearing clothes that are falling off of me. Some of these clothes I stuffed myself into when I weighed my highest weight. I am not really sure how. I blogged about jeans that I had to get rid of here. During Lent, I donated forty pieces of clothing.

Now that both me and one of my dogs can fit into this jacket, it is time for it to go. It is hard to get rid of it. I liked this jacket but it is time to let go. The jeans I have on in the photo below are also close to hitting the donation pile. This all means that I have to go shopping....UGH....but wearing clothes that actually fit me and are a much smaller size is a boost to my ego! It is silly as it is, it is a big step out of that comfort zone.

Starting to believe...

People keep telling me that they see changes in my physique. People keep coming to me and saying that it's obvious I lost weight. People keep telling me to ignore the scale. People keep telling me to just relax about it.

Well, I'm finally starting to believe...and am definitely seeing changes. Just this week, I am piling up even more clothes that I just can't wear any more. I have gone shopping twice and ended up with pants that are several sizes smaller than the ones I am donating. I need more clothes but just hate shopping.

I am lifting heavier weights. I am working out hard but also taking my rest days. I am healthier. I have great blood work results. I am calmer. I am more confident. I am happier. I am loving life.

Yep, I may have been down...but I get back up.