Bitch bitch whine whine whine....

Yep....that's all I have been doing for the last couple of days. I know that I am just letting stress get to me. There is a lot going on at work and my home is in disarray because of some remodeling we are doing. THEN I did the unthinkable....I stepped on the scale and let that destroy my day.

I am still going through the steps of a metabolic reset and trying to booster my adrenals. This means that I have not been working out nearly as hard as I have in the past or as much. I have gone from two workouts a day, typically an hour or more each to some days a 45 minute workout in zone 1. So, when I stepped on the scale (which I do not do that often) and saw a three pound gain from the last time I stepped on it, well, all I could see was that I was ballooning back up to where I started. I went through a tear filled day that day. Everything set me off.

As frustrated as I am, I am not giving up. I think that is important to put out there. I am afraid to give up. I may be on the cusp of finally reaping rewards of my hard work. It would be disastrous if I gave up now, wouldn't it? Honestly, I am afraid to give up. I have finally found people that I believe in to help me. I trust them. I am trying to trust the process they have me going through.
 
I do know that this whole process at the gym has been mentally trying as I have not been able to measure success as of yet. I have been able to run more lately and it feels good but I am not back up to the amount of running I was doing. I have sprinted faster than I have even sprinter before, well, on the treadmill. I can squat lower. All of these things are good but not necessarily signs of metabolic improvement.

There are none of the positive non-scale signs that everyone reminds me about....clothes fitting better, better sleep, etc. but I keep looking for them. So, there it is...my "bitch bitch whine whine whine" post. Today I will plant my garden and start to get my house back into some semblance of a home....and I may try to catch up a bit at work. BUT I am also going to take some long walks with my pups. I need some mental down time.

With a little help from my friends....

Let me say that there have been plenty of times that I have depended friends. High school friends were fun to be around. College friends helped me deal with becoming an adult. Friends helped me when I moved to a culture very different than mine. I have had some very good friends at some very important points in my life.

I am, however, more comfortable depending on myself. I am, as I have said several times, an introvert...a loner. I am stepping outside of this comfort zone more often but there are times it stresses me out more than it should. Last weekend was one of those times.

I signed up for the Diva Dash (a 5K obstacle course) a few months ago. I was asked to do it with some friends. At first, I wasn't going to do it as I don't like the team concept as I know I will be the one that they have to wait for and why they may not finish as fast as they would like. I did read that you could skip obstacles if you wanted to do so and I was finally convinced to sign up. I thought it would be a good introduction to obstacle races, which I thought I might like.

So, Sunday came and I started to get terrified about disappointing the team. Now mind you, it was a small team of friends but I knew there were real runners that I wouldn't like to drag down. I lamented the whole morning as I was prepping to leave. Tim, tired of listening to me, told me to just go and decide once I get up there whether I would do it or not. So, I headed off to meet up with the team for the ride up to the race.

One of the other women was also a bit nervous about the race. I am not sure why she would be because she is one of the real runners that I was talking about but the obstacles were the big unknown....but in my mind, she had nothing to worry about as I knew that she kicked ass at everything she does. Strange as it may seem, it was her nervousness that calmed me down a bit. I decided I would do the race, or at least start it, and go with the flow. Note I am not a "go with the flow" kind of person...but you probably could gather that from reading any of my posts.

We met up with the others and headed up to the race. It was a bit cold and we walked around the race site a bit, took photos, and before we knew it, our wave was starting. I knew that I would not be able to run it all as I haven't been running during my metabolic reset but I was going to have fun with it. I honestly would not have cared if my team left me behind but I don't think that was any of their natures.

The course was fun for the most part at first. I even climbed the cargo net. To be honest, I quickly took it on mostly because one of the women (not on my team) on the net before me froze at the top and took minutes to be convinced to get over the edge. By the time I was able to proceed, I knew I couldn't freeze at the top and I would have to just do it....so I did. I hate heights but I did it.

BUT then I ran into two obstacles in a row that I just couldn't mentally grasp. One was a wall to climb over and the other was this strap thing that you had to muscle through step by step. I know I mentally defeated myself on them. Maybe it was that it took everything I had mentally to do the cargo net. I don't know. I just know I couldn't wrap my mind around them so I skipped them.

Then I got mad. I got mad at myself for letting it beat me. I have been an emotional wreck for a few weeks now, getting some bad news about a family member, having issues with my leg, work has been busy and frustrating, this whole metabolic reset hasn't allowed me to really get my emotions out at the gym. I felt myself starting to close up after those two obstacles. I just wanted to quit right then

BUT I didn't because my friends wouldn't let me just sink into the sense of despair that I was trying to muck myself up with. Thanks to them, I carried on. I did the last of the obstacles and crossed that finish line with them. Yes, they had to wait on me. Yes, I felt horrible about it afterwards but we weren't doing it for time (none of us signed up as timed event). Yes, it was fun. It's good to have friends like that. I know I have some of the most awesome cheerleaders that are definitely there for support. Thanks to you all!

So, other than the Diva Dash, I did finish the first month of my metabolic reset at the gym. Talk about a boring month of workouts. Mind you, I sweated so that is a good thing but the workouts were not that inspiring. This month has started out much better. The workouts have increased in time and intensity. I am much happy with the workouts; however, from time to time, I am struggling with wanting to know if it is really doing any good. I guess I need to stick with it for another month before I will find out. But I would like to lift heavy things again...soon.

I will say though that last night's TEAM workout kicked my butt. There were just two of us in class so I think he decided to torture us a bit. I wasn't perfect but I got through it and loved (and hated) it. Note that this TEAM class is another stepping outside of that comfort zone thing that I am doing. I cleared it with my metabolic coach but I still do not like the TEAM concept of it all....but I am starting to be more comfortable with a couple of the people....so maybe some day I will actually seek out these types of things.

Do I really have goals?

Things continue to go well on the metabolic reset. I am in week three. I am a little bored but I can push through that. One more week of these particular workouts and we will see how they get changed.

Other than that, the other trainer I am working with during the circuit class has been talking a lot about goals and such. Well, his idea of what one's goals should be definitely does not fit with mine. That is, he had everyone indicate what they wanted their BMI to change by during the three month class. If you know me, setting a goal like this has failure written all over it. I haven't set that goal. I honestly do not care if it is measured for whatever statistics they need for the class but I am not going to have an individual goal.

Last night he talked a lot about visual goals and his idea of what a visual goal is again differs from mine. I have visual goals but they have nothing to do with what my body will look like. My visual goals involve seeing myself crossing the finish line of another half marathon or seeing myself finally deadlifting over 200 pounds (my PR on the deadlift is currently 176 -- two 88 pound kettlebells, which was the highest I could do so I am not sure how much I could have deadlifted). My visual goals are all about doing something that I would have thought impossible just a few years ago.

I do have goals. They just do not conform to the typical goals others may have. I have been at this for far too long and I know what hurts my mindset and what types of goals really do motivate me. A pounds lost or a BMI change just do not but wanting to get up to the top of the Manitou Incline in less than an hour, well, that motivates me. Lifting heavy weights and being strong is definitely a motivation. Punching the heavy bag harder and more consistently motivates me to keep going. Running stronger and longer and maybe even faster...yep, motivation.

Now reaching these goals will be possible with continued weight loss. AND BMI shifts should be a by-product of meeting these goals. Does it really matter that my goals are in a different form than expected or than can be articulated in a words that others understand? Nope, because the goals are MINE and MINE ALONE. I have my bucket list. I think in the coming weeks I may do another vision board to see how they changed since the last time I did one.

(Side note -- last time I did a vision board, I finally realized that I really wanted to run. At that time, it was a 5K that I was focused on and, well, running became a reality. It was interesting that before I did it, I never thought of it as being something that was on my "bucket list." I do think vision boards are a little silly but I guess they can be helpful too.)

I broke the dress code at work today....

Yesterday's events in Boston were disturbing to all of us. I lived in Boston for four years. These four years I was not healthy. I was not a runner. I was not active. I did, however, watch the marathon each and every year. I watched with friends. We would cheer for so many people. My favorite parts were cheering for those that simply couldn't believe they were there and were running with so much heart. Even then seeing people collapse in heaps of sweat and tears was inspiring.

For me, it was one of the best days of the year. It was a fun day. I am stunned that after yesterday it is not ever going to be the same. I am stunned that people will not be able to enjoy the day as we did those years that we were in Boston. I am shocked that so many innocent people were hurt at an event that is so inspiring to so many. I cry because of those lives that were lost. I am angered because someone decided to make a some sort of point in such a senseless manner. I just don't understand.

Even though I was not a runner in Boston, I know have struggled through many events myself. I just cannot fathom what the runners were dealing with on that day. The utter sense of fear that had to strike so many. The confusion of the moments after the blasts had to be horrible. To go from being focused on the finish line as the one and in only goal to worrying about the lives of friends/family waiting for them at the finish or for the city that they love...well, I just hope no more of us ever have to go through that.

There is not much I can do for a city that I feel a connection to...Boston. Even though I voluntarily moved from the city, I do still have fond memories and feelings for so much the city has to offer. Like many, I wonder what I could do from so far away. The truth is there wasn't much I could do but I could make a symbolic gesture and follow what is going around social media about wearing running shirts to show support for the city and the runners. So, I broke the dress code today at work and wore a shirt from one of my events last year.

A small gesture I know but I am a runner...and I support all that showed such a testament to the human spirit in the wake of such evilness.

Week 1 of metabolic coaching....

I made it through the workouts. I am not saying they were easy but they were not what I would do and definitely at a lower intensity for the most part. I still sweated...but didn't hit a single heavy bag and didn't swing a kettlebell. I did some running intervals the day that I was in zone 3. 

I have three more weeks of these workouts. I can and will do it.

I do need to get my head wrapped around the whole concept that working harder doesn't mean better. I guess if I put into perspective of the changes I have made to my lifestyle regarding food, it makes sense. I have to do what is right for my body. I need to be sure to be healthy first.

The hardest thing is that I have to put off some challenges I was hoping to meet this year. I am not sure if I will be able to compete in a triathlon or a half marathon. I am disappointed about that but I am trying to remember that this could help me be able to complete physical challenges and maybe even get some better results in the future. It is not the end of the world....and it is okay if I am not "amazing" this year. 

I know it may seem like I am a bit of a "train wreck" to use the phrase popular with some bloggers to describe other bloggers that talk continually about their struggles and that switch things up over and over again but I am listening to my trusted advisers and more importantly to my body. I could keep going on with the activities I was doing and continue to see a lack of results. BUT I am not going to as I want to see progress on the health level (which is excellent to date...my doctor is pleased)....on the fitness level (this is a struggle but I will get there)....and on the scale (yep, it is last...if the other two get there, this will as well).

Challenge issued and I accept it

I did my metabolic testing at the gym this past week. The results were confusing at best but I am trying to work through it all. One thing that is clear with this testing and the adrenal testing I did earlier is that I am working out at an intensity level that is probably not sustainable for me. I am told that I need to rebuild my aerobic base. So, that is what I am going to do.

For once I am going to stick to a workout plan that may not be exciting but it is likely best thing for me. I am working out at a much lower intensity. So, far I have done two days of the workouts. Tomorrow morning I will do a third. I am not happy about it all but I really want to be able to do more and reach some fitness goals so I am doing it. I have also put some things on hold, like my boxing classes and running. Since I have to monitor my heart rate, I know that these activities are not ones I can easily do and keep my heart rate in the right range. A couple of months of taking a few steps back and I hope I will be able to start training for some things again.

I also discovered another class at the gym that I like. It is a class with circuit training on two days and a cardio portion on another day. The time I was introduced to it, I really enjoyed the circuit portion. Although I lift weights on my own and have good strength, this is an area that I struggle with how to stay accountable. I miss the strength training of kettlebell classes. I spoke with the trainer that did the testing and who is helping me with a program to rebuild my aerobic base and she is in favor of me doing this class. The only problem with the class is the cardio day as I am confused/frustrated with what I should be doing during the class and still stick to the change in program that I am working through to rebuild my aerobic base. Well, after a cranky night at the gym and talking to Kim (the trainer/metabolic coach), I committed to three months of the class. Kim and the trainer that is leading the class will be helping me work through what I should be doing on the cardio day.

Now to the challenge that was issued by Ben (the class trainer), who said that he was willing to help me keep my program on the cardio days in sync with my aerobic base; BUT once I built my aerobic base back up, he was not going to accept any excuses when I was back to high intensity interval training. He was going to push me harder than anyone else. He may not believe me but I am looking forward to it. As much as I can push myself to work out harder, I look forward to having someone pushing me harder than I push myself. I want to be stronger and fitter and I think this is a great step in that direction. Sometimes I wonder if someone else pushing me would allow me to reach higher levels and I hope I will find out with this class.

The other part of the testing was the measurement of my resting metabolic rate, which is the amount of calories you need to just live. My RMR actually increased from a couple of years ago, even though I have lost 50 pounds since that time. This likely means that my lean muscle mass increased over that time. That makes me happy. Of course, I am not really counting calories but I will be speaking with my nutritionist about the results.

As it turns out, this year may be one of just getting back in the right place after doing some amazing things last year. The testing is helping but I need to follow through and I am committing to that.

Maybe it's not such a big problem....

So, I have been mulling over some thoughts about my workouts. I seem to get obsessed with things and the only way I can get everything I want to do is to do at least two workouts a day. Some days on the weekend, I may even sneak in an extra by doing some kettlebell swings. I am obsessed with lots and recently just discovered spin class....another obsession. So, now I have kettlebells, stair climbing, running, boxing, weight lifting and spin class to fill my workout time with....oh, and I would really like to fit some swimming, yoga and mat Pilates in if I could.

I started to think about how I was becoming a "Jack of all trades but a master of none" regarding my various workouts. Even though I like lots of things, I really am not very good at any of them...but I do sweat and workout hard, which is important to me. I also love the endorphins. The mental release I get from working out is sometimes more important than the physical benefits. An hour punching on the heavy bag at the boxing gym allows me to sweat away any frustration I may have from the day of dealing with various projects. An hour cycling in spin class allows me to clear my mind of the never ending deadlines that fill my work day. A good sweat on the stair mill allows me to feel like I accomplished something even if the rest of the day was wrought with failures.

I love it all. Of course, some of the activities I love more than others but for the most part, I really do like the activities I currently am obsessed with. I have dabbled from time to time in other things -- Zumba for instance. Oh, and body pump classes were great for awhile but now, well, I am not so much into the synchronized weight lifting and prefer doing my own. As much as I liked the sweat, my heart was just not into these activities for very long. I just mention this to show that I am somewhat selective about my workouts but when I do find something I love, I want to do it every day. But realistically, I can't so I try to fit as much in as I can throughout the week, which stresses me out a bit....totally NOT what I want to happen.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I work out too much and I needed to work out smarter. I know I have blogged about it in the past but obviously have not learned enough to figure out how to fix things without stressing about everything too much. After speaking with people about the progress and lack of progress I have had in the past months, I decided to do two testings, one with my nutritionist and one at the gym. Honestly, one of my hopes in all this testing was that I would be told that everyone was wrong and I need to work out more or harder or something like that. You know, find a few more hours a week to work out and to work out harder. To me, that seems like the easiest answer.

The first one was an ASI test, a saliva testing for adrenal stress index. I did this one a few weeks ago and got the results on Friday. I must admit that I was a bit taken back by the results. My cortisol is all out of whack, too high in the morning, too low at noon, and on the high side the rest of the day. Sigh, what to do now?

The second test would be helpful in trying to figure some of this out. It is metabolic testing at the gym and will tell me what heart rate zone is most efficient for fat burn and things like that. Unfortunately, I had to postpone the testing because, for the second time this year, I am sick. I haven't been this sick in some time, which is another sign of cortisol/adrenal issues. Hopefully, when I get this figured out, I will be able to avoid the colds like I have in the past. It is rescheduled for next week. I am also doing a Resting Metabolic Rate test to tell me how many calories I am burning just to get through the day and give me an idea of targets for how much I should be consuming. I did both of these tests a couple of years ago at the spa. It will be interesting to see how things changed. Unfortunately, I had to postpone the testing because, for the second time this year, I am sick. I haven't been this sick in some time, which is another sign of cortisol/adrenal issues. Hopefully, when I get this figured out, I will be able to avoid the colds like I have in the past. It is rescheduled for next week.

In the meantime, I have to think about what I can do to work out the issues with the cortisol levels. I have some supplements from the nutritionist. I also need to think about what I really want to do for workouts and stop over working out. I have to need to be better about fueling before and after workouts. I have to figure out the whole carb balance thing too. Lauren thinks that these things will help me get things back in balance. I will admit that at first I was a little freaked out. I did think that the test would show that adrenal/cortisol was quite normal and that I could just try to figure out how to do more things. But alas, now I need to think and figure things out. One thing I am going to try to do is track food again, not for calories as much as to watch when I am eating my carbs and making sure that I am fueling for workouts correctly.


Here we go again...it seems like the more I know, the more I need to learn....but I will get there some day.